A Comprehensive Guide to Supporting a Grieving Loved One
It’s a fact of life that at some point someone close to you will experience crippling grief. When a loved one is going through a devastating loss, we often wonder what we can do to make it better. How can we support a grieving loved one? Below is a guide on how to support someone who is walking through grief. These are mostly all suggestions I’ve compiled through firsthand experience - either from the lovely people in my life who served me when I experienced loss, or things I’ve found helpful in supporting others who are grieving. I hope this is beneficial to you in your efforts to better love and serve your loved ones who are grieving.
Before we get into specifics, here are some disclaimers:
1 | Everyone grieves differently
This blog post is not prescriptive, as every situation is different. Even within a family who have all experienced the same loss, family members may react differently and require different support. Below are simply ideas or suggestions to consider and apply as needed. Feel free to use what works for your individual situation, and leave what doesn’t.
2 | Don’t expect acknowledgement
If you are seeking to support someone through grief by acts of service, gifts, etc. please do not expect acknowledgement for your efforts. The person who is grieving may be in shock, and the last thing they need is to feel pressured to respond or formally thank you for something. They are no doubt grateful, but I suggest that you be prepared to give without expecting any thanks in return. This is a biblical concept, and one worth remembering (see Luke 6:30-35).
3 | DoN’t expect to be served
Similarly, don’t expect the grieving person to serve you. If you are in their home for any reason, do not expect them to host you as they normally would. Don’t expect to be entertained or served food, drinks, etc. by the person who is grieving. Look for ways to lessen their burden - this includes taking the initiative and fending for yourself when you are in their home (respecting their home and privacy, of course).
4 | Be in it for the long haul
Grief is a marathon, not a sprint. There are some ways you can support a grieving person in the immediate aftermath of a loss. Those things are absolutely helpful and important, but keep in mind that someone who has experienced loss needs support long after the funeral is over. In fact, their journey with grief has only just begun. Be patient with them as they navigate it, and remember that there will be plenty of opportunities to serve and support them as time goes on.
What to do
General support
In the immediate aftermath of a loss, and for the weeks and months that follow, there are unique opportunities to help a loved one that are very specific to grief. Here are some suggestions.
Help with immediate cancellation of plans. If the loss is sudden or unexpected, there may be plans that need to be rescheduled or canceled immediately.
Help with funeral plans. If your loved one is responsible for coordinating funeral arrangements there are many decisions that will need to be made. This may include choosing a funeral home, working on a funeral program and obituary, graveside and burial arrangements, etc. If the loss was unexpected these decisions can be overwhelming for the person who is grieving, and assistance in these areas may be welcomed.
Help them pick an outfit for the funeral. Something as simple as helping them find an outfit for the funeral can lighten the mental load. Consider their children may need outfits as well.
Help coordinate travel plans if they will be traveling. If they will be traveling this adds an extra layer of stress and decision fatigue. Consider helping them book flights, rental cars, and hotels.
Send flowers. It is customary to send flowers, but consider delaying your flower delivery by a few weeks. They may be receiving a large influx of flowers at the same time, and might enjoy having them spaced out. Another idea is to send an alternative to flowers, like a plant or tree (if you know the person well and it wouldn’t be a burden to them to plant and maintain).
Offer to come over and sit with them. This may or may not be helpful to them. All you can do is offer and let them know it’s totally fine to say no if it isn’t what they need.
Book a manicure, pedicure, or massage. Grief takes a physical toll on one’s body, so booking something like this might be welcomed.
Mark significant dates on your calendar. A simple thing you can do to show you care is to mark your calendar or set a reminder on your phone and check in with them on milestones of the loss (monthly, annually). It will mean a lot to them that you remember.
Offer to help them go through their loved one’s belongings. At some point, they will have to face the sad and daunting task of going through their loved one’s belongings. When they are ready to do so, offer to help. This could look like showing up to help move boxes, make trips to a donation center, or just be there for moral support.
Food
We all need to eat. When someone experiences a loss, they probably don’t feel like cooking, and may not have much of an appetite. That makes it all the more important that they have access to foods that are comforting and/or nourishing to their body. Here are some ways you can help provide food for a grieving person and their family.
Set up a meal train. Be sure to ask their food preferences, ie: if they have any allergies or dietary concerns, what restaurants they prefer for takeout, what their favorite meals are, what meals are most helpful (breakfast, lunch, dinner, or snacks), and what time they prefer to eat or have meals delivered. If possible, deliver your meal in disposable containers so they don’t have to worry about returning dishes back to you.
Deliver groceries. Find out what foods they are in need of, as well as types of foods are most helpful at the moment. Keep in mind they may have a limited amount of fridge and freezer space.
Send a gift card for restaurant delivery. If you live far away and aren’t able to be there in person, a good option may be sending a gift card for restaurant delivery (DoorDash, UberEats, GrubHub, etc.) That way they can order takeout as needed.
Gift cards to restaurants. Giving them gift cards to restaurants they like and frequent often can be helpful (especially when they don’t feel like cooking as time passes and things settle down).
Household
Life goes on, and household chores don’t cease to exist in grief (though I wish that weren’t the case!) Here are some practical ways you can support your loved one by easing the burden of their household responsibilities.
Clean their home. This requires a certain level of familiarity, but they will definitely appreciate the help in this area. Ask them what time would be best and bring your own cleaning supplies.
Hire a cleaner. If you aren’t able to do the cleaning yourself, hiring a cleaning service for them is an option. This also would be helpful as time goes on and life gets back to normal for them.
Do their laundry/ironing & take out the trash. If you aren’t able to clean, you may be able to dedicate some time to help them keep up with their clothes and trash. Find out when their trash collection day is (this is usually available on the local city website) to help them take out their trash cans.
Water plants & help with gardening tasks. If they have indoor plants or a garden, helping keep their plants and flowers alive is something they may not be thinking about doing in the moment, but can be extremely helpful. They also may need their lawn mowed. Outside tasks like tending to a garden or mowing their lawn can be done at any time.
Help with pets/animals. If they have pets or animals find out what needs to be done to help with them (walking a dog, feeding, vet, grooming, etc.)
Offer to house sit if they will be traveling out of town. If they are traveling for a funeral or to see family it may be helpful to have someone house sit. If you house sit, aim to leave their house cleaner and generally better than when you found it.
What to say
It can be really hard to know what to say to someone who has experienced a devastating loss. It is always better to say something, rather than nothing, so reach out even if you don’t have exactly the right words. However, the truth is that there is nothing you can say that will make it better. This sounds really negative, but it’s the harsh reality. In the immediate aftermath of loss, the only thing a grieving person wants is for it not to be true - for their loved one to come back. While well intentioned, sometimes sentiments shared with someone who is grieving can actually make them feel worse. Ideally we would all like for our words to be comforting in the moment, and perhaps something they can revisit and reflect upon later. Below are a few suggestions of things to consider saying (whether in person, or in written/digital form), things to avoid saying, and some Bible passages that may be comforting.
THINGS TO CONSIDER SAYing
“I am truly sorry for your loss. ”
“I know this is painful and I am here for you.”
“You are always in my thoughts.”
“You’re not alone. We’ll get through this together.”
“I’m sorry you’re going through this. It doesn’t seem fair.”
“I don’t know exactly how you feel, but I’m here for you.”
“Anytime you want to talk about it, I’m here to listen.”
“I’d love to hear more about (insert name) anytime you’d like to share.”
If you have one, share a fond memory you have of the person they have lost.
If you have experienced loss, empathize with their pain (but be careful not to assume you know how they feel).
Pray with them.
Things to avoid saying
Statements about looking on the bright side. (“They’re in a better place”, “Everything happens for a reason”, “Something good will come from this”, “At least you had them in your life for as long as you did”, etc.). While this may be true, it’s not entirely helpful in the moment.
Telling them you know how they feel. Even if you have experienced loss yourself, you never truly know how someone else is feeling. Everyone experiences loss in a unique way, so it’s better to let them tell you how they feel instead of assuming.
Asking how you can help. Instead of asking, take the initiative to look for ways to help, and then ask specific questions related to helping, if necessary.
Comforting Bible passages
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The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
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The LORD is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.
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God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea.
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My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
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Have you not known? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He does not faint or grow weary; his understanding is unsearchable. He gives power to the faint, and to him who has no might he increases strength. Even youths shall faint and be weary, and young men shall fall exhausted; but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.
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The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him.
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Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
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He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.
What to buy
One of my favorite things to do for someone who is grieving is to put together a care basket. You can customize it to their preferences and make it as large or small as you want. Here are a few ideas of things to include:
Soft items (socks, blankets, cardigan)
Journal & pens
Thank you cards & stamps
Sentimental items (a special necklace, photos, etc.)
Tissues
Unisom/sleep aids
Homeopathic remedies (I really love Bach Star of Bethlehem flower remedy and Ignatia for grief)
Comforting teas
Electrolyte packets
Waterproof mascara & waterproof makeup remover
Lip balm
Neutral, easy to apply nail polish (I love the Londontown Illuminating Nail Concealer)
Gum & breath mints
All of these items are easy to find in your local stores, but I’ve also put together a list on Amazon*. Below are some of my favorite items to include in a care basket for women. If you are looking for ideas for a men’s care basket, click here.
*This post contains affiliate links. When you shop via the links above I may make commission on a sale at no additional cost to you.
Some final thoughts
Give grace and be patient
Grief is tough for all involved. It is a tender time when grace is needed - for the ones grieving and for those who are supporting them. Emotions are running high, and someone who is grieving may do and say things that are out of character for them. They may not be themselves for a while, even rejecting help and company. Be patient with them, and keep trying to support them as best you can.
Grief changes us
Your loved one will likely be profoundly changed by the loss they have experienced. Things will be different for them as they navigate life without the person they have lost. It is impossible to anticipate exactly what will change, but be aware that change (for them - and to some degree you) is inevitable. The more we can learn to embrace that, the easier life will be.
Observe and adapt
Grief is a long (arguably life-long) process, so there are almost unlimited opportunities to support someone you love who is grieving. This also means that their feelings and needs will evolve along the way. What was needed in the first few weeks won’t necessarily be needed 6 months down the road. Tailor what you do and say to how the person is feeling and what they need in the moment or season they are currently in. If possible, aim to check in with them periodically as time goes by (every month, 6 months, each year).
Speak about the person they have lost often
A lot of times I think we are hesitant to talk about the loss for fear of upsetting our loved one. They may seem happy, so we might not want to bring it up. On the contrary, most of the time the grieving person is already thinking about their loss. Don’t be afraid to mention the person they are grieving whenever they come to mind. It is usually comforting and helps the healing process to recall memories and to speak of the person they have lost often.
Walking through grief is tough, but it can be bearable with a support system of people who love you and want to help. If you are reading this because you want to help a loved one, I commend you! There may be a time when you yourself are grieving and need the support of your loved ones. I am reminded often of Luke 6:31 — “as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.” We can all strive to love others the way we would like to be loved.